did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
