unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
