sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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