Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
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She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
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He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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