Your face is a jimmy john
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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