when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
