Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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