remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
