did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
