dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
