im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
