my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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