Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
