life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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