So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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