Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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