Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
