Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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