Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
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Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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