I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
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Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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