I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
