I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
