also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
