I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
