4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it's like iHOP with fire
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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