I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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