Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish you could order shots online.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
