After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
