I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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