first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
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I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
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I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
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