Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
