I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The power of my boobs compel you
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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