i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
