haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
