I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
