i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
