I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
