So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
