You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
