Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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