I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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