You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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