my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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