she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
