Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
