my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
