Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
