we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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