i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
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then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
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It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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