Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
