A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
