i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
