my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize