This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
