I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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